As ME sees it.

Good old Father’s Day once again.

Now this isn’t going to turn into a giant bash fest of my wasband. For the most part he is, in fact a very present father considering the nature of his job. He volunteers to coach baseball, hangs out at ju jitsu, chaperones school trips as required. The whole shebang.

I’m also blessed to have a present partner who steps up as well. He plays the video games, takes them on adventures, and just all around cares. When I first started dating post my divorce I knew it was going to be a struggle. Being a single mom, and a single mom who has a son with special needs, isn’t exactly a winning combination in today’s dating market. But we met, he learned, it involved a lot of therapy. Meshing of two households, two parenting styles it’s not easy. There isn’t a divide in parenting here, one doesn’t only parent their own and vice versa, you have to establish a balance.

I’d like to think we’ve achieved that.

Sadly my role model for what a father should be like isn’t the best. They use the excuse that they were raised in a different generation, one with little emotion, working all the time. One where the mother is the nurturer in the household. Sitcoms with active father figures are hailed as trendsetters, stay at home dad’s are celebrated in a way that stay at home mothers never are because of the societal norm that exists.

My dad didn’t work year round, he was seasonal for the most part with winters being the slow time. Sometimes he worked under the table and was able to draw on EI. There were days, and in some cases years where he didn’t work due to restrictions. During those times there were never instances where he would participate. Never a school play, or a music festival, not a parent teacher or even a doctors appointment so my mother wouldn’t have to take time off work. I can count on one hand the amount of family vacations we took that both parents were present. He came to my graduation from high school and that was probably the first time anyone in my circle had seen him in the 13 years I attended school.

People talk about how as adults their relationships with their fathers mature. They’re able to pick up the phone and ask their opinion on car repairs or household aliments. I see it now that while my brother had a tumultuous relationship with our dad growing up, now as adults they’ve established a silent respect for each other. The same cannot be said for myself and him. I’m too opinionated, in his opinion I think I’m better then him. My divorce was a huge blow to our relationship, people stay in unhappy marriages so I just should have stayed according to him. Me joining the forces put a knife into it as well. I chose a career over my family. A career that offers a steady paycheck, and benefits. But I digress. I’m still a disappointment.

Since starting my new relationship he’s refused to meet my partner. Is it because he loved wasband?? Absolutely not. He loathed him and thought of him as an arrogant asshole. He just has no interest in participating in my life. He knows nothing of my skills. Never seen the home I purchased on my own. He maintains a relationship with my children, but pretends like my two bonus daughters don’t exist. He thinks the special needs diagnosis my eldest has is just a farce. Little does he realize he’s never seen the darkness that can flip with a switch and he’s used to a child who’s gone through endless therapy and is properly medicated. Cards are signed from both my parents in my mother’s handwriting.

I often look at the relationship my current partner has with his father. Or even the relationship my wasband had with his before he passed away. I envy those that in times of crisis could just pick up the phone and their dad would swoop in to rescue them. Or to even offer advice in sticky situations. I’ve been lucky that both these men have allowed me to reach out for help from them. Wasband’s dad and I had many an adventure during the time he was around. We lived on other sides of the country so we were never super comfortable but existed quite well nonetheless. My current pseudo-father-in-law is unlike any man I’ve ever encountered. He always picks up my calls, replies to my texts and has saved me many a careless mistake when it comes to certain things.

I suppose the point in all of this rambling is to say, stop making excuses for shitty fathers. Stop making excuses for those who don’t deserve the public Happy Father’s Day posts on FB or whatever social media platform you maintain. Some men don’t deserve to be praised just because it’s their day. Celebrate the men in your life who just show up, they care because they’re good humans, not because their sperm is part of your DNA.